Reliving it over and over and over....

Why do I choose to relive the death of my mom over and over again? Maybe because I never had a chance to reconcile with her before she passed. Maybe because I didn't physically see her dead. Maybe because every time I look at my middle son, I see HER.

Here it goes......

September 2006 I was 6 months pregnant with my middle son Luca. My husband and I were watching TV one late night in our living room. It was about 10pm and the phone rings. Who calls with good news at 10pm? It was my Uncle Arnold, my moms brother, "Janelle?" he says. "What?" I responded. There was a long moment of silence. At first I didn't think he heard me....he did.....but who wants to be the bearer of bad news? "Janelle?" He said again. "What?!" I practically yelled it that time. "Your mom died." he finally choked out. "What?" I dropped the phone and sank down to the floor. Steven came running over to me and asked what was wrong. I don't really remember what I said to him nor do I remember how long I was sitting on the floor sobbing.

The cops found her dead on the couch in her apartment. You have no idea how many times I try to envision her on that couch. Did she fall asleep watching TV and drift away peacefully? Or did she die alone, with no one around? Most likely she was alone because her front door was locked when they found her. She had been there, dead for a good 2 days before anyone had found her.

She died of Pneumonia with no drugs or alcohol in her system. She also had 7 bibles scattered throughout her tiny 500 sq.ft. apartment. I know her heart was in the right place. Unfortunately I didn't get to see her at her funeral. She had been dead too long for her to leave us with a pleasant image. We chose to have her creamated.

My mom, Karla Jean, had a rough life to say the least. With Alcoholism taking over her life it was hard to have her apart of my own growing up. But I still felt that connection to her every time I saw her. After all, she was still my mom.

I dream of her all the time even to this day. She usually doesn't say much, she just follows me around. Almost like she wants to be apart of my life now that she's dead because she never was when she was alive. Lately, she's been angry in my dreams. I told her if she was going to be angry then I didn't want her around. I actually stopped dreaming of her for a while after I told her that. I feel bad that I told her to go away in my dreams but she was scaring me.

 I often scare myself when I look in the mirror and see her looking back at me.