April 12, 2011

Well, here I am on a plane heading back "home." If they say home is where your heart is, well, then I'm not heading back home. I'm heading back to the place where my stuff is.
As I look out the plane's window and see above the clouds, I can't help but think that my grandmother and I met in the middle. She was going up and I was going down.
April 5th is a day I will never forget. Not only because it was my due date for my third little blessing in 2010 but because this is the day, in 2011, that the Lord took my grandmother.
It all happend so fast I think I'm still in shock a week later.
I received a phone call from my Aunt around 8am April 5th. I was lying in bed with my husband and children. My phone was still on silent mode so I didn't hear it ring.
I've decided that when someone calls you early in the morning or late in the evening, the news is never good.
I checked my voicemail and immediately heard tears in my Aunt's voice...."Janelle, it's me. Um, grandma is in the hospital---" I no longer needed to hear the rest of the message. I hung up and called her immediately. I remember my Uncle answered and then handed the phone off to my grandfather. The only thing I remember him saying is that she's not waking up and wasn't expected to make it through the day. I fell to the ground and started sobbing. What?!?! I had just talked to her a few days before when I called to get her address so I could send pictures of the boys. I was in a hurry to get off the phone with her and told her I'd call her back. I never did. She'd always say, "Kiss the boys for me," right before we hung up the phone.
Damn it, Janelle.....
I was on my plane, arriving in Denver when I decided to take a picture of the clouds from my airplane window. The time I took the picture was 5:35 pm, April 5th. She died at 5:35 pm, April 5th.
I arrived at the hospital shortly after and she just looked like she was sleeping. So beautiful and peaceful. I sat by her bed, holding her arm and cried next to my grandfather. I was waiting for her to open her eyes and look at me and tell me everything was going to be ok.
For those of you who wonder what kind of woman my grandmother was, I can sum it up in one sentence. When I was three, my parents abandoned me, so she took me in her home and raised me as her own child. She was already 50 years old, raising her granddaughter while her youngest of five was 13 years old. Talk about an unselfish person.
My heart aches for her so badly that it's taking my breath away.
If you've been meaning to call someone, do it. If you've been meaning to say I love you to someone, say it. Don't ever go to bed mad at someone because you just never know of you'll see them again.

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Sweet Potato Fries!

I decided to try SPF for the first time today after seeing them at the grocery store. I bought a frozen package and popped them in the oven. The baby loved them! He was shoving them in so fast, he started choking! I hesitated on telling Ashton and Luca they were sweet potatoes in case they shunned them without giving them a chance. They each took one bite and pushed them off their plates. The frozen SPF look like regular frozen fries with tons of seasoning on them so I thought, for sure, the boys would eat them. I was wrong. As for me, I love them. They are right up there with red wine and dark chocolate! Yummy! After having a few I felt they were missing some sort of dip. I thought back to my waitressing days at a steakhouse back home and came up with honey-cinnamon butter. The ingredients are just that....honey, cinnamon, and butter. I melted all 3 together, poured it over hot sweet potato fries and was in heaven! Leave it to me to make a perfectly healthy "snack" unhealthy. Ah well, to each their own!

Spring!

I'm so ready for spring! 2011 has not been kind to my poor children. From strep throat to pink eye to stomach bugs my poor boys have had it all. As a matter of fact, Ashton is laying on the couch right now because he woke up at 3am puking. As for the baby, he's right here next to me eating his freshly cubed pear because my poor baby is constipated. Let's hope this pear kicks in fast! And Luca, well he's such a good brother because he's snuggling on the couch with Ashton making sure he's as comfortable as can be.

This weekend was a complete waste.

I decided to make Chicken Parmesan for dinner Friday night because my mother in law had taken the boys out for Pizza. I filleted my chicken breasts then dredged them in flour, egg, and Italian bread crumbs. Then I shallow fried them in EVOO and baked them for an additional 30 minutes in the oven. Along side I made a baby greens salad....baby spinach, arugula, romaine....with fresh cucumbers, red peppers, homemade pickled red onions and a yummy Garlic Italian dressing.

When the boys got home we made a chocolate mousse cake for dessert.

Let's just say I won't be eating Chicken Parmesan for a while....

My husband and I both got food poisoning from the chicken. I was up all night and my poor hubby had to stay home from work the following day. I ended up in the ER because of some embarrassing, unfortunate circumstances and there they did some blood work and confirmed I did indeed have food poisoning. I now have a medicine cabinet stocked with antibiotics, anti-nausea pills, and pain killers. I think I'm good for a while!

2011 has been one crazy roller coaster ride and I sure hope this isn't a taste of what the rest of the year has planned for us!

Teething info!

I found this great article on teething when I discovered a bluish blister on Preston's gum. It's called a Hematoma.

Baby Teeth: Frequently Asked Questions

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Boys will be boys

Am I the only Mother who is always saying, no, stop, shhh the baby is sleeping, brush your teeth, put your clothes back on....Sheesh, I feel like such a nag! Maybe it's a male thing but I definitely see my share of penis' in a day. I mean c'mon, I have 3 boys, 4 if you include my husband and every single one of them has no problem walking around butt naked. I don't get it. What happend if I decided to walk around butt naked all day? Well, first I'd have alot of explaining to do to my boys. Second, my husband wouldn't be able to keep his hands to himself....or maybe he would ;)

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Reliving it over and over and over....

Why do I choose to relive the death of my mom over and over again? Maybe because I never had a chance to reconcile with her before she passed. Maybe because I didn't physically see her dead. Maybe because every time I look at my middle son, I see HER.

Here it goes......

September 2006 I was 6 months pregnant with my middle son Luca. My husband and I were watching TV one late night in our living room. It was about 10pm and the phone rings. Who calls with good news at 10pm? It was my Uncle Arnold, my moms brother, "Janelle?" he says. "What?" I responded. There was a long moment of silence. At first I didn't think he heard me....he did.....but who wants to be the bearer of bad news? "Janelle?" He said again. "What?!" I practically yelled it that time. "Your mom died." he finally choked out. "What?" I dropped the phone and sank down to the floor. Steven came running over to me and asked what was wrong. I don't really remember what I said to him nor do I remember how long I was sitting on the floor sobbing.

The cops found her dead on the couch in her apartment. You have no idea how many times I try to envision her on that couch. Did she fall asleep watching TV and drift away peacefully? Or did she die alone, with no one around? Most likely she was alone because her front door was locked when they found her. She had been there, dead for a good 2 days before anyone had found her.

She died of Pneumonia with no drugs or alcohol in her system. She also had 7 bibles scattered throughout her tiny 500 sq.ft. apartment. I know her heart was in the right place. Unfortunately I didn't get to see her at her funeral. She had been dead too long for her to leave us with a pleasant image. We chose to have her creamated.

My mom, Karla Jean, had a rough life to say the least. With Alcoholism taking over her life it was hard to have her apart of my own growing up. But I still felt that connection to her every time I saw her. After all, she was still my mom.

I dream of her all the time even to this day. She usually doesn't say much, she just follows me around. Almost like she wants to be apart of my life now that she's dead because she never was when she was alive. Lately, she's been angry in my dreams. I told her if she was going to be angry then I didn't want her around. I actually stopped dreaming of her for a while after I told her that. I feel bad that I told her to go away in my dreams but she was scaring me.

 I often scare myself when I look in the mirror and see her looking back at me.

Let's Begin!

As I enter the last 6 months of my 20's it makes me think about what I have accomplished. Just by looking around the room, at this very moment, I can tell that my life is full of happiness. Right now, I can hear Preston babbling while he plays at my feet. He glances up at me every so often with his big brown eyes and snuffleupagus eye lashes just to make sure I'm still here. I can hear Luca hitting the rocking chair with a giant, over-sized pencil with pink and red lipstick kisses he HAD to have from the dollar store. And Ashton? Well, I like to call him Mr. Mom. Ashton is my second pair of hands when Steven isn't around. He tells me what Preston "shouldn't be doing" and what Luca "should be doing." In short, he thinks he's an adult. Anyway, he's with his Auntie and Grandma picking up Pizza from Little Cesar's for everyone. It's been a family tradition for a few months now. Every.Single.Friday.